We all know that men have a habit of putting their dicks in anything they get chance to, and now a leaked internal document circulating among doctors reveals the oddest places patients have had to have their cocks removed from.

The document, which has been passed unofficially among medical staff, found it’s way into our hands, and boy does it have some interesting places to get your knob wedged. Whatever happened to a good old honest wank over some soft core smut?

In no particular order, the list included such amusing places as :

- A video recorder
- A garden gnome with a hole drilled in the mouth and bottom
- The frame of a womans mountain bike
- A metal bench in an Exeter park
- A Tickle Me Elmo talking toy
- An hot air hand dryer at Brisol Temple Meads train station
- A Dyson upright vacuum cleaner
- The exhaust pipe of a Honda Civic
- A letter box, purportedly the mans own, with penis pointing at the street
- A stuffed Tawny Owl
- An half empty bottle of Sainsburies Basics Cider
- A “Beanstalk My 1st Trampoline and Enclosure” from Argos

Now, call me old fashioned, but I really fail to see the erotic value in any of those. Elmo maybe, after a lot of beers, but surely Garfield would be a better pick, or even that critter with the acorns who’s in Ice Age.

Ahhh well, next time you’re jerking off and thinking of the fun value to be had from sticking your knob in an odd place, pause and think of the embarassment of having to walk to the hospital hiding a bicycle frame under your coat. Or, worse yet, having to explain to family, friends, neighbours, and quite possibly the police how you’d decided to pick up the post whilst naked, slipped, slid on the hallway carpet, and ended up with your penis jammed through the letterbox and pointing at old Mrs Miggins across the street.

Heh, accidents happen!