TV license detector vans have a new weapon in their fight against license dodgers – cutting art technology that lets them view, in realtime, a targets television screen.

The new vans, costing over £1million each, first use high powered thermal imaging equipment to see inside of a targets house. Once the position of the television is identified, a beam is locked on to it which can capture, and interpret, all that is onscreen, displaying it in realtime on a screen in the detector van. This is recorded for use in any possible future court case.

At a later date, license fee collectors armed with the evidence, will call at the persons home and invite them to pay an on the spot fine and buy a TV license, or face court. In pilot schemes so far 95% have admitted their guilt and paid up without it needing to reach court.

Many, however, are concerned about the new technology. The thermal imaging equipment captures any heat source in a persons home. If you happen to be having sex on the sofa, it can see. And the radiation in the beam used to pick up the image from the television – which can also capture a pc screen in realtime – uses a form of radiation similar to X-Rays.

Mark Aspinall of the TV Licensing Board scoffs at these concerns. “All operatives using this technology have undergone an intensive 3 day training course, and they’ve no interest in anything beyond seeing what you are watching on TV. As for radiation, meh, you get a bigger dose from your TV screen itself if you watch it for 12 hours a day for 10 years”.

**All persons in the UK who own a television must pay an annual TV license, currently £145.50 per annum. This entitles you to watch the free rubbish on a handful of stations, you’re paying extra for satellite or cable if you want any decent channels**