Scientists at Cambridge University have used a government grant of £4million to answer a question that has plagued humanity for centuries – are fat girls better in bed?

And the answer is a resounding yes. Using a combination of surveys, questionairres, and direct practical experimentation, the boffins have arrived at the conclusion that “fatties fuck better”. The entire findings are to be published in “New Scientist” magazine.

Jobe Futterstuck and Neville Pramahardarakesh, who were involved in the team of researchers, kindly answered a few of our questions via email.

“Fatties go like rabbits” they said, “It’s an ego thing. Your skinny stunner, she thinks looks alone make you want to keep her, you’re lucky, she knows that you know she can have any man. But a fatty, unless you’re a real ugly cunt who can’t get no better, she knows she has to give you something to grab the interest”

“And it’s inherent in the body chemistry. Fatties exude more sex hormones. Their body compensates for the fact that men look at them with disgust. They’re like a cuckoo, they even exude extra pheromones to convince prospective partners that they are of good genetic stock”

About their practical research they had this to say : “We divided into teams and went clubbing, and to restaurants, and cake shops. We bought girls drinks, and slept with as many as we could. Sometimes we paid them for sex. And it was all scientific, we then rated them from 0-10 for performance, and 0-10 for lardiness, with 0 being the smallest and 10 being so big their arse could cause solar eclipses. 10 out of 10′s on size scored higer on the sexual performance scale. Fatties fuck better”.

Accounting figures for the project show that £27.80 was spent on stationary, £87 on ‘expenses’, and the remaining £3.999m on ‘practical research’. Money well spent, and now we know, it’s a scientific fact, fat chicks really do fuck better!.