Dear Doctor Sick : My boyfriend of 3 years has 2 cats that hate me. Just staying with him for a night is a nightmare. And now he wants us to live together. But I hate his cats, and they hate me. I really love him and want to spend our lives together, but without cats! Please help.

Doctor Sick : Are you a witch? Some cats are highly attuned to spiritual affairs and despise witches.

But, you are right, cats are horrible creatures, all hissing, spitting balls of furry hate. Your boyfriend is being unfair making you endure his cats continued presence.

Are there any takeaways near that you think might buy the cats to put in their food? If you could sneak the cats away without getting caught, you could make a little profit, perhaps buy your boyfriend a takeaway to help him with his grief.

Failing that, cats are inquisitive creatures, always getting into places they shouldn’t. Perhaps get your boyfriend drunk one night and lock a cat in the freezer. It must have snuck in without him noticing when he was drunk. Or throw both cats in the back of your car, drive them a few hundred miles away, and let them go.

Whatever option you go with, you can also win points with your boyfriend by being caring and considerate of his feelings during the aftermath of his cats death or disappearance. Grieve with him. Help him print and hand out “have you seen this pussy” posters. Show him that you can be a tower of support.

However you go about it, it’s clear that you truly love him, and nothing must be allowed to stand in the way of true love. The cats must go because you care, not because you are some crazy bunny boiler.

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Dr Sick is our very own Agony Uncle, here to offer advice to help you through all lifes difficulties. Fully qualified – or so he says – and rarely drunk on duty, if you’ve got a problem in your life then Dr Sick is the right person to help guide you through it.

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