Dear Doctor Sick : I’m a 19 year old man and I’ve never had sex. I’ve been in with girls a load of times, but when it comes to actually doing it, my erection flops. No amount of playing with it will wake it up again, it’s just dead. Girlfriends have left me over it, and I’m scared to get close to any girl because I know how it will end. Please, if you really are a doctor, help me, this is ruining my life!

Doctor Sick : Have you considered the possibility that you are gay? If you haven’t tried with a man yet, I suggest doing so. Or an animal. If you could just perform once with a living creature it would help your self esteem no end.

And that’s where the problem most likely lies, your self esteem. You know that even if you managed to maintain an erection that sex would be over in 3 seconds flat. The girl will laugh at you. Your subsconscious is trying to protect you from that by stopping you from having sex at all.

Is your penis tiny? A common cause of erectile dysfunction is worry about penis size. You are likely fearful of standing before a girl, holding your erection proudly, and her asking if you sold it or swopped it. I bet size is at the root of many of your sexual problems.

You need to chill out and stop worrying. If you’ll pardon the pun, it will come one day. Meantime look for sex with strangers in towns you never have to visit again. Drink heavily, and sleep with anything and anyone. One day it will work and your problem will be solved. And, until then, at least if you pick partners from distant towns you need never face their sniggering in the local pub.

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Dr Sick is our very own Agony Uncle, here to offer advice to help you through all lifes difficulties. Fully qualified – or so he says – and rarely drunk on duty, if you’ve got a problem in your life then Dr Sick is the right person to help guide you through it.

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Please further note the name of the site, Dr Sicks dodgy photo, the rest of the sites content, and so on. It should be a clue that the advice is for humor value only, and not meant to be acted upon. If you feel the urge, you probably ought to see a real doctor, but either way we take no responsibility.