Police agency SOCA took the unusual step today of warning that a huge shipment of rogue cocaine had entered Britain. The shipment, estimated to be at least 500kg’s, is contaminated with a biological weapon believed to be developed in Iran, and will cause uncontrollable shitting in users.

Whether deliberate contamination aimed at putting a huge strain on our health services, or embarrassing celebrities and public figures who suddenly find their pants racked with explosive diarrhea, or an accidental contamination, the effects upon a user could be devastating. The agent, codenamed Turdorac, has been known to cause death from dehydration and loss of bodily fluids.

Once ingested – either by injection or inhaling (the heat generated by smoking neutralizes the agent so crack is safe) – explosively violent diarrhea is experienced within 8 to 10 hours. The human body simply empties itself over the space of minutes, and continues to do so until the effects subside, which can take up to 1 week. Observers have christened it as the atom bomb of shits, and the makers of SCAT movies have said it is the best thing to ever happen to their business. Weight loss clinics have also expressed an interest.

Any user of cocaine who begins to experience violent diarrhea should immediately go to the nearest hospital – their life may depend upon it. If left untreated, the violent shitstorm is fatal in at least 10% of cases, either by dehydration, or heart attack caused by over exertion as the anal sphincter desperately seeks to close itself.

A spokesman for SOCA said “Do you know what shit you’re putting up your nose?”